I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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