I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
