My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
