Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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