I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
