My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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