im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
