he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
