There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
