I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
