I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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