I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
