this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
