SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
