I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
