I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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