So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
