I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
