too bad you live with your parents still
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
