i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
