I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
