You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
dude. I can hear the air.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
