so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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