Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
