did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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