Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
