My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I need a burrito and a hug.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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