Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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