theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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