Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
