I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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