No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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