the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
