I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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