She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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