I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
