did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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