Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
