I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
