I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
