omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just want to make out with him forever
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
