I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
