i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
