Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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