So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
