how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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