dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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