just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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