even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
