How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
