At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
