Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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