Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
