dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
