Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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