theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
