Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
