Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
