I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
