I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
