I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
