My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
