Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
